


the lies i weave are oh so intricate

by smallredboy



Category: House M.D.
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Kiss, Gay Bar, Intricate Rituals, M/M, Undercover As Gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-31 03:56:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21067679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallredboy/pseuds/smallredboy
Summary: House talks Wilson into pretending to be his boyfriend at a gay bar.





	the lies i weave are oh so intricate

**Author's Note:**

> for fandomweekly #027 - double trouble, in which i got second place. also for trope-bingo with the square "fake relationship"
> 
> enjoy!

“Wilson! Need a consult.”

Wilson gives the man he’s been talking to an apologetic look before standing up. “Sorry. I’ll be back in a bit.” He stands up and heads towards their shared balcony. “What do you want, House?”

“Look, so,” he starts, “my patient’s a lonely gay guy, so he spends most of his time at this gay bar across town. We’re thinking that it’s either a sexually transmitted disease or an environmental cause. So we have to go to the gay bar.”

Wilson raises a brow. “And where do I come in? Looks like you’ve got everything figured out.”

“Oh no no no,” he says, grinning at him a bit maniacally. “The part you come in at is when you go to the gay bar with me.”

He blinks. “Why do you need a date to go to the gay bar?”

“Because—!” House exhales through his nose. “Most gay people at bars are single, Wilson. They’re all going to hit on me.” Wilson’s bottom lip twitches almost in protest at the notion of everyone wanting House, but he doesn’t say a thing. “I don’t want some guys I don’t know to hit on me, so if I have a boyfriend I’m going with it’ll all go far smoother.”

Wilson stares at him for a long while, silent.

House finally caves in to his stare and tilts his head, a pleading look in his blue eyes. “Please?” 

He can’t say no to that, really. “Fine,” he says. “I’ll be your pretend-date at a gay bar. What’s the worst that can happen?”

House steps back to his side of the balcony. “Knew I could count on you, babe,” he says with a cheeky smile as he goes back to his office.

* * *

The bar is awfully loud.

“Hey,” House says as he goes to the bartender, sitting down in one of the bar stools, Wilson following him. “Has anyone who frequents this place gotten sick?”

The bartender is a heavier guy, with a full, well-maintained beard and glasses. “Not that I know of, no.”

House huffs. “Anyone who’s usually here every other day who suddenly isn’t?”

“Uh,” the bartender looks at the drink he’s mixing for House. “There’s Jonah.”

“Yeah, that’s my patient,” he interrupts, “who else?”

“You learned your patient’s name?” Wilson asks, incredulous.

House shrugs. “I’m sure it started with J. I’m just making assumptions.”

“Jonah’s sick?” the bartender says, raising a brow. After a few seconds his eyes widen, the dim lights of the bar having hidden House’s identity pretty well. “You’re doctor House? Is he okay?”

“What’s doctor House doing here?” A twig-like man butts in, having sat in silence through most of it. Hairless except for a day-old stubble, his skin a rich brown. “I thought he was straight.”

“I’m here to check if my patient is sick because of this place,” he replies, tilting his head at the man. “Both because of environmental factors and, you know, sexually transmitted everything.”

“You didn’t answer my other question,” the man replies. “Aren’t you straight? Are you grinning and bearing this for your patient?”

“What does it matter to you—” House starts.

Wilson cuts him off. “We’re dating,” he says, grabbing House’s hand and intertwining their fingers. House makes a choked out noise, eyes widening. “I’m Dr. James Wilson.”

“Do you buy that, Clay?” The man asks the bartender, raising a brow.

Clay shrugs. “I dunno, Michael. They’re just straight and on a mission, perhaps.”

House groans. “If we make out in front of you, will you answer our questions, which matter a lot more than my sexuality? That Jonah guy is sick, if you didn’t realize.”

Clay laughs. “I’m kinda digging the idea of an old twink making out with this DILF-y guy so, sure, be our guest.”

“DILFy?” Wilson echoes, but before he can ask any more questions, House is mashing his lips with his.

Wilson gasps into the kiss, but House is a little too smug to find out how he kisses back. If they ever were to kiss, he hadn’t pictured it like this— two gay men staring at them and whooping a little as he fits himself right against Wilson, grabbing at his back desperately as he makes out with him.

When they pull away from each other, House is grinning from ear to ear. “We’ve gotta talk after this. Can’t believe you kissed back like that.”

Wilson groans. “Let’s just try and see what’s going on with your patient’s gay bar,” he mutters.

House pulls him into another kiss as response before sitting down, taking his drink into his hands. “So, what’s the deal with this Jonah guy?”


End file.
